10 Questions With Tom, a Chastity Aficionado

This month’s interview is with Tom Allen, who runs a site called The Edge of Vanilla. He  has been  interested in male chastity and orgasm denial for some time and started his website as a way of providing information and resources on this topic for people who were not necessarily a part of the BDSM community; hence the name ‘vanilla’ edge.

Q: For readers who may not be familiar with male chastity and orgasm denial, can  you give us the quick overview of what it entails?

I think just about everybody is familiar with the concept of “teasing,” in which a woman offers the promise of sexual favors, but prolongs the actual act.  We just take that a little bit further; instead of expecting satisfaction (i.e., an orgasm) later that day, or even later that week, our satisfaction is delayed weeks, or sometimes even months. While this could be done on the honor system, many of us prefer to utilize some of the devices on the market that are made for preventing temptation.

Really, all chastity play is essentially role-playing. No device is 100% inescapable, and most can be removed with some decent tools and a little finesse. However, since they can be very difficult to defeat without breaking the device, it feeds into the power exchange fantasy some of us have of losing or giving up control. This may be the biggest appeal to chastity aficionados because the *idea* of giving up control, not just for an hour, but essentially forever, can be a very hot fantasy. For men who are accustomed to having a quick wank nearly every day, losing that option is losing control at a very basic, primal level. It’s like bondage, but played out over weeks or months, instead of over an evening.

Paradoxically, non-BDSM couples that have played with “enforced” chastity often report that they end up having *more* sexual intimacy. Partly that’s because the exchange of power can revitalize their relationship, but also because they begin to see that sexual intimacy is much more than penetration. Men often learn to sublimate their own sexual desire into doing things for (or with) their partners that enhance physical closeness. Women, feeling less pressured to have sex all the time, begin to feel more relaxed, knowing that they are in control of the situation.

Obviously this is a generalization, but these factors add to the appeal, and give some motivation to those who continue to play once they get the hang of it.

Q: Tell us a little about how your interest in male chastity developed, because obviously you didn’t wake up one morning deciding to imprison your penis in a CB6000.

Back in the old days of the internet, I was up late one night surfing for kinky porn links, armed with an old laptop, an AOL connection, and a second phone line. I ran across a site that discussed male chastity devices, and looked it over out of curiosity. At first, I couldn’t believe it. I mean, most men spend their adult years trying to get *more* sex — who the hell would want less?

Unfortunately, until recently there really haven’t been any good, inexpensive choices for male chastity devices. The full, enclosed belts are very expensive, ranging from $1,200 USD to more than twice that. Other devices range from a few hundred up to over a thousand dollars, and were often custom made. It wasn’t until the late 1990s that we saw the first convenient mass-produced devices. And until about 10 years ago, many devices were home-made jobs using plumbing materials found at the local home supply stores.

But the idea simmered in the back of my head for a while,  over the next year I found myself looking for more information. Eventually, I got the idea to build a cage-like device in my workshop, and asked my wife if she would be interested in trying it out with me. She’s more vanilla oriented, but a few times we played for long weekends up to a couple of weeks. I found that the denial gave me a constant feeling of arousal, and I realized that I began to enjoy the long build-up as much (or sometimes more) than the orgasm itself.

Q: How did Mrs.Edge feel about exploring male chastity  and orgasm denial when the topic first came up?

Surprisingly, she was okay with it. We played a few times, but she didn’t really become interested until the CB3000 came out, sometime around 2003. To her, the organic shape was much more sexy — and comfortable — than the cage-style devices.

We hit a point in our marriage where things were a bit rocky, and in the course of trying to get back on track, we had a few discussions about our sexual relations. She confessed that she used to find the idea of locking me up to be quite a turn on, but she didn’t care for the shape of the cage, or the hard angles of the metal bars. When I showed her pictures of the CB3000, her first words were “You have got to get one of these.”

I say “surprisingly” because Mrs. Edge isn’t crazy about BDSM or fetish gear, and in fact, we own very few sex toys. But instead of perceiving the chastity device as a piece of bondage equipment (which would put her in a “Cruel Mistress” position, something she didn’t want), she saw it as a way to have control over the lust of her sexually charged husband.

Yes, it’s kind of the same thing, but in *her* mind, that is the role that “works” for her.

Q: Is the chastity device integral to your enjoyment of orgasm denial, or is it possible to also  enjoy the practice if not wearing the device?

For us, yes. Both Mrs. Edge and I enjoy the idea that she has all of the control. The device serves to reinforce the idea. While she could simply just tell me not to touch myself when she’s not around, or tie a yellow ribbon around me as a symbol, it doesn’t carry the same weight as an actual, lockable device.

There is a schism in the orgasm denial community (such as it is): some people claim that all that should be necessary is for one’s partner to request “no touching, while others maintain that the equipment is part of what makes it hot. Mrs. Edge and I find that wearing the device makes the lack of control more “real”. This also extends to why we do not use a schedule or a point system to determine when I’ll be allowed an orgasm — as far as she’s concerned, such factors take control out of her hands. But in the end, it all depends upon the relationship that you have.

Q: What is the longest period of time that you have continuously worn a chastity device and what type was it/do you have a favourite model?

The longest period of time that we ever played at simply denying me was 8-1/2 months. She removed the device every few weeks for sex, but I was not allowed to orgasm. Yes, it was difficult to hold back, and after a few months, we bought a strap-on harness and a dildo for me to use on her. That brought another interesting dynamic to the play, as we both realized that it meant she could extend my denial almost indefinitely.

The longest we ever played with not removing the device at all was almost 5 months. It would have gone on longer — we were having a great time — but the cuff ring which holds the cage section to my body broke while we were on vacation. My wife immediately asked “Don’t you have a spare?”

Generally, when we play it’s with the understanding that I will not be allowed to orgasm at all during that time. Usually it runs from several weeks to two or three months. While some couples use a point system or games of chance (dice, dart, lottery numbers, etc.) to determine the length of time, our system is more basic. I agreed to leave the time completely up to her. That control makes it hotter for both of us.

I have several devices, but both of us prefer the CB3000. I know that the CB6000 is more popular right now, but for me, the older model is still a better fit, and I can remain in it for weeks at a time.

Q: Have you ever been caught out by someone unsuspecting while you were wearing a chastity device?

While this is a fantasy for a lot of men, it’s not for me. The reason that I use the CB3000 is because it hides easily under normal street clothing, although with snug jeans it does make you like like you have a larger “package.”

One evening, I was out with my wife and some of her friends from work. I was standing in a crowded area, and one of her work friends needed to squeeze between me and table. I had no room to back up, and she pressed her ass against me rather firmly in order to get by. I know she had to have felt it, but I think she assumed that I might have had an erection.

Q: Is there one kinky form of self-expression that would be a deal-breaker or no-go for you?

Since Mrs. Edge is the vanilla one in the relationship, it’s hard to imagine her wanting something that I would have a hard time with. However, I’m really not keen on the idea of being feminized, nor do I care for the idea of cuckolding, or other forms of humiliation.

Q: You are now in your fifties, and you wrote on your blog recently on your perception of ageism.  What do you think is the peak decade for a man in terms of knowing himself and living as his true self?

Over the last few years, I’ve noticed that the people who are the *most* concerned about getting older are the people my own age. I suppose I have a younger mindset because I spend so much time interacting on forums and websites where one’s age isn’t nearly as important. But I’m becoming very disenchanted with my friends who seem to be turning into zombies. I can’t go a week without seeing some stupid “Remember when…?” email chain letter, or some hackneyed glurge about getting older. I just don’t understand what makes people get stuck in time like that.

I liken it to people who emigrate to a different country. Some of them move to a neighborhood where everybody from the old country settled; they go to the old-country stores, the restaurants, and don’t bother to learn the new language. Essentially, they haven’t moved. Yet, other people take steps to learn the language, and to try the new things that their new host country has to offer.

Time moves on, so in that respect, we are all moving to a new country. But why should we insulate ourselves in the ghettoes, when there is so much out there to se e?

And since I’m only in my 50s, I really don’t have any idea at what point a man can come to know himself fully. Ask me in another 20 years.

Q: Tell us a little about the Tom behind Vanilla Edge. For example, how long have you and Mrs Edge been together, what do you like doing in your spare time?

If you didn’t read my blog, you’d assume that we were a rather boring, middle-aged couple. We have two children (youngest is still in high school), a house in the suburbs, and are pretty active in the local church and a couple of other community groups. Our real-life friends could tell you that we always seem to be cooking dinners for some function or another.

I tend to take up hobbies and interests for some period of time, and then move on to other things. A few years ago, most of my free time was taken up by exercising (mainly weight lifting and bicycling). Lately I’ve been experimenting with learning about the Linux operating system, and have been fixing up older PCs and installing Linux Mint (a Ubuntu derivative), and have been giving them away to people who could use them. I’ve been restoring and modernizing an older bicycle, and hope to have it on the road by the end of the month. And I usually spend an hour or two online in the evenings, trying to keep up with whatever happens to strike me as interesting.

I should also add that I often answer emails from people who are curious about using chastity devices, and who have questions ranging from which device to buy, to how to deal with the emotional aspects of denial. In fact, that’s one of the reasons that I started my blog; five years ago, there weren’t many places where people could go for information on chastity, and most web forums had a BDSM orientation which tended to scare off the more vanilla crowd that were just discovering this as a kink. I had hoped that by writing about it from a more vanilla perspective that it would encourage more people to try it.

Q: If you had to have one last fabulous meal, what would you enjoy eating?

A very, very large, rare steak, with bacon on the side. Lots of bacon. Oh, and my wife’s special dark chocolate cake for dessert. I could die satisfied, then.